Growing up, I always thought about the future and what was going to happen in it. I was scared of growing up. Scared that something was going to happen and the world would end. When I was a teenager, I used to lay in bed all night and worry about getting old and dying. Or not even getting old, just something happening to me like a car wreck or cancer. I never had any energy because I was up all night. I used to watch tv to take my mind off everything. Or play video games.
When my brother and I wrecked on the way to school when I was 15, I thought for sure that I had really died. Flipping through the air, I remember seeing the sky and the clouds spinning as we were spinning. There's no way we could land in the woods like we did. I didn't have a single scratch on me. For several weeks, I would randomly start crying. During the middle of the day, late at night, tears would flow. I had no grip on my thoughts or emotions.
For several years, I didn't say anything about it. I laughed and joked and acted like everything was fine. I would sit in class at college and couldn't wait to get back to my dorm or apartment to be by myself. I'm still like that. Some days, dealing with people just gets to be too much. When I finished my second year at Old Dominion, I told my mom how I felt. Aaron had just died in the car wreck and I was fishing with my dad and couldn't stop crying again. Twenty years old in the middle of a pond with his dad fishing, bawling.
I started taking anti-depressants after seeing a doctor about it. I was never suicidal, but my favorite part of the day was laying in bed alone for hours at a time. I never, NEVER, drank growing up. I saw all the drunks at Todd's Place on Friday and Saturday nights and hated them. I saw my dad drinking and his mood swings. I wanted nothing to do with it. Until then. I went to parties and started hanging out with everybody. Things were looking up. But the good times don't last. Not for people suffering from depression. Stress makes it even worse. Self-doubt crept in. I gave up when the going got tough. I was doing great in school, but started going out drinking Thursday-Saturday. The instant satisfaction of having fun took priority over school work.
In 2009, my oldest brother was in a car wreck that left him paralyzed from the waist down. I was struggling with school anyways, so I left/got kicked out of Longwood. After a year, they re-instated me. It was either man up and do it, or face a five year suspension. It took having my back against the wall for me to finally get a handle on my life and stop expecting bad things to happen. I still struggle with life at times, but I don't stay up at night wondering when I'm going to die anymore. This was the first winter where I didn't experience my typical spell of seasonal depression.
The mind is a fragile thing. You never know what's really going on with people. I get an opportunity to watch people everyday with my job. I wonder if some of them are as lost as I was. The blank looks when saying hello to someone. Life is hard. I don't let it bother me when they don't respond because I know that they may be trying their best just to keep it together.
I used to be so negative with people who seemed to be so happy. I knew they were just being fake and were as depressed as I was. But I hope they were just as happy as they acted. I hope everyone gets to feel that way, because it's nothing worse to have no control over your emotions.
I still fear that I'll die in a car wreck. I still fear that I'll die of cancer. I don't stay up at night worrying about it though. If you fight long enough, you'll get through even the toughest of times. I feel like I'm there. I'm still fighting, but I'm closer than I've ever been.
Thanks for reading my story.
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